Two men were arguing about a flag flapping in the wind.

“It’s the wind that is really moving,” stated the first one. “No, it is the flag that is moving,” contended the second.

A Zen master, who happened to be walking by, overheard the debate and interrupted them. “Neither the flag nor the wind is moving,” he said, “It is MIND that moves.”

Healthy vs unhealthy boundaries

How do you know if a boundary is healthy…or not? It’s important to recognize that healthy boundaries help to protect and respect you; an unhealthy boundary seeks to control or harm someone else. “I need space to hang out with my friends and do things I enjoy on my own” would be a good example of a healthy boundary. But if your partner says, “I need you to stop talking to other guys/girls because you might cheat/I get jealous,” that’s not a healthy boundary; it’s a warning sign that your partner may have some trust issues and is trying to control who you hang out with. Here are some more great examples of healthy/unhealthy boundaries!

The following comparisons highlight the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.

Healthy: Being your own person.

Unhealthy: Feeling incomplete without the other person.

Healthy: Accepting responsibility for your own happiness.

Unhealthy: Relying on others (especially your partner) to make you happy.

Healthy: Being able to balance separateness and togetherness.

Unhealthy: Wanting either too much or too little togetherness.

Healthy: Having meaningful friendships outside the partnership.

Unhealthy: Being unable to build and maintain close friendships with others.

Healthy: Being able to see and focus on your own, and your partner’s, good points.

Unhealthy: Always focusing on your partner’s flaws and worst qualities.

Healthy: Achieving intimacy without the use of substances.

Unhealthy: Using substances to reduce your inhibitions and achieve a false sense of intimacy.

Healthy: Communicating in a way that is open and real.

Unhealthy: Playing games; being manipulative; not being willing to listen in a non-defensive way.

Healthy: Being loyal and committed to your partner.

Unhealthy: Displaying jealousy and relationship addiction; being uncommitted to your partner.

Healthy: Respecting and accepting the ways in which you and your partner are different.

Unhealthy: Blaming and criticising your partner for having different traits and qualities from you.

Healthy: Being open and asking for what you want, in a clear and unambiguous way.

Unhealthy: Being unable to ask for what you want.

Healthy: Accepting transitions and endings.

Unhealthy: Being unable to change, let go and move on.

Working backward from 5, use your senses to list things you notice around you. For example, you might start by listing:

5 things you hear 4 things you see 3 things you can touch from where you’re sitting 2 things you can smell 1 thing you can taste

Make an effort to notice the little things you might not always pay attention to, such as the color of the flecks in the carpet or the hum of your computer.

Dealing with traumatic stress

Regaining your mental equilibrium and starting over can take time, just as it frequently does after a disaster or traumatic incident when clearing debris and repairing damage. However, there are particular actions you can do to support your loved ones and yourself in overcoming the psychological fallout from trauma and finding a means to move on with your life. Keep in mind that there are no right or incorrect feelings. Individuals respond to trauma in different ways, so don’t dictate to yourself or anybody else what you ought to be feeling, thinking, or doing. Don’t ignore your feelings—it will only slow recovery. Even while it might feel better in the heat of the moment to suppress your feelings, they are still there whether you want to acknowledge them or not. Allowing yourself to feel what you feel, even overwhelming feelings, will pass. Avoid obsessively reliving the traumatic event. Repetitious thinking or viewing horrific images over and over can overwhelm your nervous system, making it harder to think clearly. Engage in mind-numbing tasks (such cooking, reading, watching movies, or playing with your children) to avoid focusing all of your energy and attention on the terrible experience. Reestablish routine. There is comfort in the familiar. After a disaster, getting back—as much as possible—to your normal routine, will help you minimize traumatic stress, anxiety, and hopelessness. You may plan your day so that you have regular periods for eating, sleeping, spending time with family, and relaxing—even if your work or school schedule is interrupted. Put major life decisions on hold. Making big life decisions about home, work, or family while traumatized will only increase the stress in your life. Try to hold off until things have calmed down, you’ve restored emotional equilibrium, and your cognitive abilities are improved.

Sometimes, the path to healing doesn’t require complex introspection. Open-ended questions and statements can be powerful tools for processing difficult emotions and fostering self-discovery. Below are some prompts to support your journey.

Daily Reflections

1. How am I feeling about myself today, in this very moment?
2. Dear body, I want to say… (Write a letter of encouragement.)
3. Dear mind, I want to express… (Write a letter of encouragement.)
4. Which feelings and emotions surface most frequently for me?
5. What wisdom do I need to remember on my toughest days?

Gratitude and Growth

6. What are some significant milestones I’ve reached on my healing journey?
7. How has my pain affected different areas of my life?
8. If I could go back in time, what would I tell my past self to prepare for this experience?
9. What words of encouragement would I offer myself, as if speaking to a dear friend?
10. Where do I envision myself on my healing journey one month from now? One year from now?
11. What aspects of myself bring me joy? List them.
12. What unexpected blessings or small acts of kindness have supported my healing? Express gratitude for each one.
13. How can I actively contribute to my healing and self-discovery this week?
14. What positive changes can I make in my life today?
15. Recall an experience that, though difficult, ultimately strengthened me.

Looking Ahead

16. When do I feel most alive and free?
17. Are there any feelings I’m avoiding because they feel too intense or overwhelming?
18. What are the most valuable lessons I’ve learned from my healing journey thus far?
19. What new aspects of myself have I discovered through this process?
20. If I could relive any moment in my life, which would it be?
21. What concerns or fears do I have about the future?
22. What excites me about the future?
23. What will signify the “completion” of my healing journey?
24. What profound truths has my pain revealed to me?
25. Craft 10 affirmations that resonate with my current stage of healing.

Remember: Journaling is a personal journey. Allow these prompts to guide you, but also feel free to explore whatever thoughts and emotions arise. Be gentle with yourself, and trust in the power of self-reflection to illuminate your path to healing.