What is shame?

“A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety” is how the dictionary defines shame. Some individuals, I’ve heard, define shame as being associated with “I am bad,” whereas guilt is synonymous with “I did something bad.” This is how they separate shame from guilt. One study even defined shame as “negative emotions in which the feeling of global self-evisceration is experienced.” Global self-evisceration. Oof! Shame is extremely unpleasant and painful, and it can affect one’s identity and self-esteem.

How does shame operate?

For the sake of this discussion, we’ll actually claim that people utilize shame as a coping mechanism to get by. We’re going to consider it to be more of a reaction than a main feeling. Even the dictionary definition explains that it is caused by “consciousness of guilt”, making it appear secondary. As we’ll discuss below, this can help us take greater control over how we respond to shame, but first, let’s discuss how shame functions.

Shame is less of a fight reaction and more of a flight/freeze reaction. Imagine a little youngster who is feeling ashamed. How do they go about things? They elude us! They retreat, get melancholy, and become silent. Shame serves to protect us by allowing us to focus inward on ourselves in the midst of pain. Although it can help us survive, there are moments when it doesn’t seem to be doing any good.

If we look at shame as secondary, then what feeling is underneath that shame? Unloved, inadequate, incorrect, or horrible? Let’s take unloved as an example. Let’s say you get broken up with, making you feel unloved. The voice of shame could enter and say, “You need to learn how to love yourself more so that this doesn’t happen again. You got broken up with because you are so unloveable, no one will ever love you.” Can you see how shame is attempting to keep you alive?

The unfortunate part is that shame tears you down and makes you focus inward. Shame makes you feel in control, but it’s not. You wouldn’t be in pain if you could somehow make yourself lovable—it’s not clear how to do that. During this process, you are simultaneously losing sight of the relationships and even the reality in front of you as your attention becomes more inward focused. Have you ever witnessed someone “shame spiral”? When it began as a single bad emotion, how did they come to believe that they were the worst person on the planet? Then, despite your best efforts to reassure them that you’re not the worst person alive, they genuinely don’t believe you? It can be rather difficult to watch someone follow that course.

Shame keeps you mired in place. It continues to persuade you that you are weak, incompetent, wrong, and without power.

What can you do about shame?

The first action you should take is to recognize shame when it appears. Try asking yourself these inquiries when you observe yourself acting in a shameful manner:

What feeling is intolerable or unpleasant that shame is using against me?

What is shame telling me?

What is true about myself even in this pain?

Once you have shown yourself that shame is lying to you, you can work to focus on the feeling underneath the shame. You can validate your feelings and tolerate them so that you don’t need shame to keep you stuck in the pain. You have the freedom to respond to the uncomfortable feeling in a different way that keeps you connected to people and support. The next stage would be to re-engage with the safe people in your life so you can feel cared for and supported, as shame flourishes in solitude.